Want to stop your emotional pain?

Byron Katie put it best…

“There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s.

Whose business is it if an earthquake happens? God’s business.

Whose business is it if your neighbor down the street has an ugly lawn? Your neighbor’s business.

Whose business is it if you are angry at your neighbor down the street because he has an ugly lawn? Your business.

Life is simple—it is internal.

Count, in five minute intervals, how many times you are in someone else’s business mentally. Notice when you give uninvited advice or offer your opinion about something (aloud or silently).

Ask yourself: “Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice?” And more importantly, “Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?”

Katie rocks.

Before I was trained as a coach, I had never heard of koans.

A koan is a Zen Buddhist term for a riddle that has no answer.

They are designed to disrupt our logical path of thinking, so we get out of our own way (or become more enlightened).

The most well-known is probably, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

I can almost feel my brain shift out of the well-worn paths it usually follows to try to imagine the unimaginable.

Koans are designed to create new neural pathways in our brains.

So, while not exactly a koan, I like to ask myself a question that is koan inspired:

What if the opposite is true?

For example, my daughter is getting ready to head out on a month-long road trip across America by herself. With a very old car. And a phone that only works intermittently.

In the background my brain is telling me that the world is a dangerous place. And that message is getting louder and crankier as her departure nears.

But what if the opposite is true?
What if the world is a safe place?

What?!?

What if just going on this trip gives her new tools to take care of herself?

I think I can come up with good evidence that the world is a safe place. And if nothing else, questioning it has disrupted my doomsday brain whisper.

Try it out on something that is bothering you. The more ridiculous the opposite seems, the better. That means it’s working.

When we last left off, I was thinking that my daughter wouldn’t ever come and visit again if I showed her a crappy time.

On a deep level I believe that.

I know it’s true for me that if I go somewhere and have a fabulous time I want to go back. More, please.

And if I go somewhere and have a disappointing time, I’m not as likely to go back. There are a lot of options. Why repeat a bad one?

Buuuuut, it is worth the question, “Is it true?“
Will my daughter stop visiting just because of a disappointing visit?

Probably not.

And yet I still have that niggling fear.

So, I am trying out a thought that feels less ouchy.
I am trying out a thought that is the complete opposite (how daring) of my painful thought.

That thought is, “She may enjoy her visits MORE if they aren’t always stellar.”

Yes, one part of my brain is telling me that’s insane.

But in my college psychology class, we learned about intermittent reinforcement.

For example, if you are training a dog to sit and you reward the dog every time it sits, the behavior will probably be learned fairly quickly. But if you only reward the dog intermittently when it sits, the dog will continue to sit (even when the reward is not provided) in hopes that the treat will appear.

Will this apply to my daughter visiting?
No idea in hell.

But the point is that I feel the ring of truth in this alternative idea.

By simply asking myself, “Is it true?” My brain has provided me a piece of evidence that she might visit me in the future even if she has a crummy time during this visit.

I bet my brain could come up with more evidence that she may come back to visit even more if the visits aren’t great.

Before writing this, I hadn’t taken time to consider all the possibilities.

I feel hopeful now.
Less extreme.
And I can stop lying to myself out of fear.