A common question I get is “How do you do it all?”

The answer is simple.

Pick the right “All” for yourself.

You can’t do it all if your “All” includes competing in the Olympics, giving birth and being the Queen of England.
All at the same time.

The right “All” for you will feel like you are skiing downhill (if you like skiing) and you are flying through the gates like a pro. You are going fast and you are at the top of your game. You are balanced and confident. Your eyes are softly focused, taking in all of your surroundings as you shift your weight expertly to slice through the snow like a dancer.

You do not have to think hard about each move; you are using your muscle memory. You are in the moment. Your knowledge and assurance comes from your gut rather than your decision-making mind.

That is the feeling state you want for your “All”… the incredible feeling of an awesome downhill run.

Now make a list of other feelings you want in your life.

It might be things like joy, connection, and calm.

If you don’t spend much time figuring out what makes you feel good, coming up with a list of feelings you want in your life can be difficult. One way to jump-start the process is to think back to what has made you feel good in the past.
Maybe it’s the touch of a child’s hand. Maybe it’s winning a race. Perhaps it’s singing Carolina In My Mind at the top of your lungs.

Still a challenge? Try thinking back to before you were in kindergarten, and what things made you feel good. Climbing a tree? Learning to ride a bike? Lying on a hill and looking at the sky?

The object of the game is to fill your life with the things that give you those feelings, and let the rest of the things on your to-do list fall by the wayside.

By the way, no judging.

Don’t worry if you think you should make dinner from scratch for your family every night. If the act of cooking the dinner does not feel good, it’s off the list. No judging yourself.

And the no judging thing works better if you aren’t worried about other people judging you. Adopt the phrase, “I love you, and I respectfully don’t care what you think.”

I think you will be surprised by how many things on your old list of doing it “All” is because you think you should, or you are afraid other people will judge you.

Here is the bottom line.
Chances are you will feel so intoxicated by a life filled with feelings you relish, choosing to do your taxes (or doing other things you would rather not) will barely cause a dip in your “skier’s high” feeling.

Oh boy, this holiday is just begging for me to talk about shadow beliefs.

Life coach Debbie Ford coined the phrase “Shadow Belief”. A shadow belief is an unconscious belief that influences our entire lives, tells us what we can and can’t do, and drives our behaviors.
These are beliefs we have that we don’t even realize we have.
They shape us.
But since we don’t usually know we have them, it’s hard to change them.

Example? Of course I have an example.
I recently figured out that I have the shadow belief that I think my role is to be a “tough gal”.  That means I am the one you can always rely on.  If I say I will serve on your committee or meet you for coffee, my word is my bond.  I will be there or die trying.

While this normally seems like a really good quality (that’s why we often have beliefs) I can see now that sometimes it’s been my downfall.

If a better solution to a problem comes along, I am unlikely to take it since I have already made a commitment and changing might upset someone else.
If I realize I have overcommitted, I will soldier on through (thus the phrase “or die trying”) rather than risk someone thinking less of me, and tarnishing my reputation.
And the funny thing is, they may not even mind… they may be relieved too… or they may be very balanced and know that sometimes people have to set boundaries and change their plans. (That’s obviously not me.)

I am merely guessing at what someone else thinks or believes.  I don’t really know.

I can only take care of myself.  And be compassionate and kind to everyone involved.

A few weeks ago I had the flu.  It turned out to be the bad kind (flu A… who knew there were letters?).  I had a job that morning with the Center for Intentional Leadership.  Fun people.  Didn’t want to let them down.  Normally I would have shored up all my reserves and pushed on through.

But luckily for all, I didn’t.

I apologized to them, and went straight to the Urgent Care.

I am so proud of myself for canceling.
I probably would have given the flu to the eight people I was working with and they would have each missed several weeks of work.

OK… actually, I still feel a little anxious for canceling, but I’m a happy work in progress.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.

What a relief to let myself off the hook.
I don’t have to be the tough gal.
It doesn’t mean I won’t still be reliable.
It just means I may be a little more human.

So there you have it. If you have hit a wall and can’t seem to go over it or get around it, it’s probably a shadow belief.
Go find your shadow beliefs this Groundhog Day.

If you can name it, you can change it.

A true belief never hurts.

A false belief hurts.

This is powerful stuff.

“I need to be home when my kids get home from school.”

I don’t know why I am hanging on to this one so hard, but that is a false belief. It hurts when I think I am not being the kind of parent I want to be.

It leads into a litany of false beliefs I have about parenting…
A good parent makes healthy lunches.
A good parent keeps them on track, doing their best.
A good parent spends quality time with her kids.

A true belief for me, is,
“I am doing my best as a parent for me and my children.”
Or even simpler, “I am trying.”
When I don’t make the best choice or best decision, it stings in the moment, but it doesn’t really hurt down deep. I am making mistakes from a place of love and trying. Those thoughts/mistakes sting so that I notice and make course corrections, but they don’t cut deep.

False beliefs come from other people and society. False beliefs come from “Everybody”. Like, “Everybody is sending their kids to summer camp.”
I’m feeling the guilt.
Guilt is a great indicator of a false belief.

True beliefs never hurt, they are just informational. False beliefs hurt, and bring that belief to the surface to be swept away.

If you believe you deserve abuse, it stays with you because you believe it.

If someone attacks you and you don’t believe it, it just goes past you. It smarts a little, but it won’t hurt you.
For example, if someone says, “You are the worst cousin anyone has ever had!” it wouldn’t bother me at all; in fact I would be confused. I have no cousins. It might smart because they are yelling at me and hurling insults, but it wouldn’t really hurt.
Something that is not true, will not hurt.

Once again, your body is a great compass for discerning false beliefs.

If it hurts… if it causes pain… examine that belief.
And if you find it to be false, replace it with a true one.